All I wanted was to feel like roses but instead I felt like I was violated by water.

We all have heard about hydrocolonics and how celebrities swear by them. I personally have been curious for years about this “cleansing” process but there is no way in hell I'm gonna pay a doctor to siphon water into my ass, so this left me with only one option: a $5.99 home enema kit.

Don't look at me that way! You know you're curious, too. Now I had no idea what this thing looked like and I was even more frightened to find that it was an object I had seen many times in my past in just about every cabinet of every house I had ever been to. Who knew that this red bag that I had seen hundreds of times before served such a dirty function?

I'm not going to go into step-by-step details of what goes on because we all know the basic function of this mechanism. Well, maybe a little detail is called for. As I am contemplating this idea, I first asked myself self a few questions. One: “Why am I about to put water somewhere it shouldn't be?” Two: “Am I that desperate for a column topic?” Three: “Am I going to cry in shame for two or three hours after I perform this on myself?”

Let's do a quick summary for all of you who don't know what happens: Tube goes in, valve is released, water starts to violate you, one minute passes and the water leaves. That's about it.

Being a virgin to this process, I wasn't sure whether I should have brought a mop or should just spread some newspaper. Then I wasn't sure what to expect when it was going the other way but it was much like someone in a riot: Things are getting the hell out of there, taking everything they can on the way out.

I could have sworn this experience would have left me with nothing but shame and remorse – which it did – but it also left me with a freshness that's like the one you get after cleaning your car after a whole year. When it's finally clean, you feel great driving around, but while you're cleaning, you're always really surprised to find what was in there.