Dear God,

           Please kill them! If you don't, I will. I think I could take a hippie's life and feel better for it. That smell of patchouli makes me furious! It smells like laziness! What kind of ideals are peace and understanding? I understand a karate chop to their throat. That puts me at peace. They made up Earth Day and it basically makes normal people remember why they couldn't stand hippies to begin with. What is Earth Day, anyway? I think, it has something to do with that band Phish, but I'm not sure. That band is another reason for my anger. I thought about taking a sniper rifle to a concert but I couldn't bring myself to pay $50 for a ticket. I might do it if “humanity” chipped in for my end of it. Well, to be completely honest, I can't say they're all bad because I once knew one that would always clean up after me, like a cleaning monkey. I would dispose of my refuse wherever was most convenient for me, and she would then pick it up and promptly throw it away! Now, if hippies could do that all the time, the world might be a much better place. Sorry to dump this on you, God, but I just get really angry sometime, ya know? The kind of anger that makes you want to do not so nice things to other people. Not to mention Carl, who sits in the upper left side of my head and constantly whispers at me to cut people. I never liked him. Anyway, back to the hippies. So, if you give me a sign I will take up a crusade in your name to “fix” our little problem. It might take me a few years to “finish the job” but I don't think I will have a problem recruiting people for our “solution.” Thanks for listening, God. I hope you get back to me on this because I really want to get cracking.

Sincerely,

Marshall