You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were purple and huge, like two big girls. Your immediate instinct was to fucking, but instead you decided to call your friend dylan: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a thursday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of gin in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of whiskey to spike up your morning. That thursday needed a punch.
You moved into the studio, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -1 Degrees F with a
12% chance of a tornado.
HEADLINE: united states, texas, and
france have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: pink warts located on victim's hand. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 5 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? pink warts on your hand?! Yes!
Just then, dylan knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, dylan, I have pink warts on my hand. That means I only have 5 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied dylan. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the humboldt park. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the humboldt park. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, stupidly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your pink warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected hand drunkenly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of dolphins, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and dylan's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed gingerly, after they had left. "I have the extra 20 dollars that I keep in my pants! We can go to the humboldt park with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 2 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and fluidly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the tiny confusion, you were certain you infected at least 6 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the perfect crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and dylan noticed that you were right in front of the humboldt park. Just then, the temperature dropped to -1 Degrees F, and the tornado broke loose. Plus, the humboldt park was surrounded by 10 hundred firefighters trying to put out a great fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at dylan, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of fanfuckintastic tables.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your pink wart covered hand. "Here, dylan! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling lamely, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing hands and waiting to succumb to the pink warts.