You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were lush and huge, like two big radios. Your immediate instinct was to pulled, but instead you decided to call your friend lonni: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a saturday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of gin in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of beer to spike up your morning. That saturday needed a punch.
You moved into the bedroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -9 Degrees F with a
42% chance of a tornado.
HEADLINE: canada, brazil, and
china have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: blue warts located on victim's eye. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 7 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? blue warts on your eye?! Yes!
Just then, lonni knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, lonni, I have blue warts on my eye. That means I only have 7 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied lonni. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Illionois. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Illionois. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, slowly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your blue warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected eye carefully.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of giraffes, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and lonni's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed lazily, after they had left. "I have the extra 10 dollars that I keep in my socks! We can go to the Illionois with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 12 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and quickly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the bountiful confusion, you were certain you infected at least 16 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the dark crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and lonni noticed that you were right in front of the Illionois. Just then, the temperature dropped to -9 Degrees F, and the tornado broke loose. Plus, the Illionois was surrounded by 18 hundred firefighters trying to put out a bright fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at lonni, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of warm scissors.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your blue wart covered eye. "Here, lonni! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling cautiously, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing eyes and waiting to succumb to the blue warts.