You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were dark and bleak, like two big hats. Your immediate instinct was to run, but instead you decided to call your friend Catherine: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a wednesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of gin in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of black russian to spike up your morning. That wednesday needed a punch.
You moved into the closet, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: 8 Degrees F with a
4% chance of a re-election of Bush.
HEADLINE: germany, texas, and
canada have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: green warts located on victim's knee. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 2 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? green warts on your knee?! Yes!
Just then, Catherine knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Catherine, I have green warts on my knee. That means I only have 2 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Catherine. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the navy pier. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the navy pier. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, slowly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your green warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected knee weakly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of monkeys, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Catherine's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed happily, after they had left. "I have the extra 1 dollars that I keep in my sock! We can go to the navy pier with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 7 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and slumpily as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the funny confusion, you were certain you infected at least 25 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the short crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Catherine noticed that you were right in front of the navy pier. Just then, the temperature dropped to 8 Degrees F, and the re-election of Bush broke loose. Plus, the navy pier was surrounded by 3 hundred firefighters trying to put out a russian fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Catherine, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of fucking bikes.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your green wart covered knee. "Here, Catherine! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling happily, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing knees and waiting to succumb to the green warts.