You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were fruity and lame, like two big punks. Your immediate instinct was to drink, but instead you decided to call your friend Wally: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Tuesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of Rum in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of Tequila to spike up your morning. That Tuesday needed a punch.
You moved into the bathroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -43 Degrees F with a
11% chance of a fire.
HEADLINE: Iraq, Canada, and
Mexica have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: blue warts located on victim's leg. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 3 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? blue warts on your leg?! Yes!
Just then, Wally knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Wally, I have blue warts on my leg. That means I only have 3 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Wally. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Water Tower Place. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Water Tower Place. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, poorly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your blue warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected leg slowly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of oxen, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Wally's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed lamely, after they had left. "I have the extra 33 dollars that I keep in my hat! We can go to the Water Tower Place with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 23 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and quickly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the fast confusion, you were certain you infected at least 9 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the stinky crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Wally noticed that you were right in front of the Water Tower Place. Just then, the temperature dropped to -43 Degrees F, and the fire broke loose. Plus, the Water Tower Place was surrounded by 33 hundred firefighters trying to put out a shiney fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Wally, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of dirty boats.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your blue wart covered leg. "Here, Wally! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling angrily, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing legs and waiting to succumb to the blue warts.