You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were white-trash and black, like two big cities. Your immediate instinct was to jump, but instead you decided to call your friend Jacque: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Sunday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of gin in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of whiskey to spike up your morning. That Sunday needed a punch.
You moved into the bathroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -8 Degrees F with a
54645% chance of a tornado.
HEADLINE: france, afghanistan, and
spain have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: pink warts located on victim's finger. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 7 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? pink warts on your finger?! Yes!
Just then, Jacque knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Jacque, I have pink warts on my finger. That means I only have 7 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Jacque. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the lake. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the lake. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, stelthily demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your pink warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected finger hardly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of nates, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Jacque's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed happened, after they had left. "I have the extra 6 dollars that I keep in my soiled underware! We can go to the lake with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 13 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and slowly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the slimy confusion, you were certain you infected at least 666 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the round crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Jacque noticed that you were right in front of the lake. Just then, the temperature dropped to -8 Degrees F, and the tornado broke loose. Plus, the lake was surrounded by 42 hundred firefighters trying to put out a square fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Jacque, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of purple baskets.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your pink wart covered finger. "Here, Jacque! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling hastefully, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing fingers and waiting to succumb to the pink warts.