You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were wet and shiny, like two big toe. Your immediate instinct was to convulse, but instead you decided to call your friend tony: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Thursday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of seabreeze in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of malternative to spike up your morning. That Thursday needed a punch.
You moved into the bathroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: 7 Degrees F with a
16% chance of a locust invasion.
HEADLINE: tobago, austria, and
austria have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: green warts located on victim's knuckle. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 9 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? green warts on your knuckle?! Yes!
Just then, tony knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, tony, I have green warts on my knuckle. That means I only have 9 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied tony. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Berghoff. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Berghoff. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, slowly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your green warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected knuckle violentlyl.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of crows, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and tony's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed blurrily, after they had left. "I have the extra 10 dollars that I keep in my sock! We can go to the Berghoff with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than four minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and achingly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the dark confusion, you were certain you infected at least eight dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the straight crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and tony noticed that you were right in front of the Berghoff. Just then, the temperature dropped to 7 Degrees F, and the locust invasion broke loose. Plus, the Berghoff was surrounded by 2 hundred firefighters trying to put out a bright fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at tony, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of foamy chairs.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your green wart covered knuckle. "Here, tony! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling well, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing knuckles and waiting to succumb to the green warts.