You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were wet and reddish, like two big skatebords. Your immediate instinct was to whip, but instead you decided to call your friend Alice: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a wednesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of Old Style in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of wine to spike up your morning. That wednesday needed a punch.
You moved into the bedroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -3 Degrees F with a
3% chance of a volcano.
HEADLINE: pakistan, armenia, and
France have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: blue warts located on victim's hand. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 9 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? blue warts on your hand?! Yes!
Just then, Alice knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Alice, I have blue warts on my hand. That means I only have 9 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Alice. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Wunderbar. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Wunderbar. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, boldly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your blue warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected hand quickly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of cats, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Alice's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed harshly, after they had left. "I have the extra 8 dollars that I keep in my pants! We can go to the Wunderbar with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 99 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and fast as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the crappy confusion, you were certain you infected at least 22 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the cool crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Alice noticed that you were right in front of the Wunderbar. Just then, the temperature dropped to -3 Degrees F, and the volcano broke loose. Plus, the Wunderbar was surrounded by 2 hundred firefighters trying to put out a dry fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Alice, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of hot lamposts.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your blue wart covered hand. "Here, Alice! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling comingly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing hands and waiting to succumb to the blue warts.