You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were wet and hairy, like two big hat. Your immediate instinct was to slow, but instead you decided to call your friend Mauricio: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Saturday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of Tequila in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of cough syrup to spike up your morning. That Saturday needed a punch.
You moved into the kitchen, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: two hundred Degrees F with a
forty three% chance of a raining frogs.
HEADLINE: Brazil, Uraguay, and
Lichtenstein have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: purple warts located on victim's elbow. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately three hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? purple warts on your elbow?! Yes!
Just then, Mauricio knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Mauricio, I have purple warts on my elbow. That means I only have three hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Mauricio. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Streeter's. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Streeter's. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, slowly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your purple warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected elbow clumsily.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of dingoes, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Mauricio's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed hastily, after they had left. "I have the extra two dollars that I keep in my socks! We can go to the Streeter's with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than seven minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and very as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the dusty confusion, you were certain you infected at least nine dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the slutty crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Mauricio noticed that you were right in front of the Streeter's. Just then, the temperature dropped to two hundred Degrees F, and the raining frogs broke loose. Plus, the Streeter's was surrounded by twelve hundred firefighters trying to put out a big fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Mauricio, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of dirty lesbians.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your purple wart covered elbow. "Here, Mauricio! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling sadly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing elbows and waiting to succumb to the purple warts.