You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were wet and dry, like two big bunny. Your immediate instinct was to jump, but instead you decided to call your friend juliet: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a monday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of vodka in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of gin to spike up your morning. That monday needed a punch.
You moved into the 3622, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -3 Degrees F with a
3% chance of a tsunami.
HEADLINE: poland, namibia, and
iceland have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: purple warts located on victim's clavicle. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 1 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? purple warts on your clavicle?! Yes!
Just then, juliet knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, juliet, I have purple warts on my clavicle. That means I only have 1 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied juliet. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the skidrow. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the skidrow. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, ginly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your purple warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected clavicle cattily.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of puppies, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and juliet's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed kindly, after they had left. "I have the extra 23 dollars that I keep in my skivvies! We can go to the skidrow with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 23 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and funnily as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the raunchy confusion, you were certain you infected at least 17 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the wavy crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and juliet noticed that you were right in front of the skidrow. Just then, the temperature dropped to -3 Degrees F, and the tsunami broke loose. Plus, the skidrow was surrounded by 45 hundred firefighters trying to put out a ginny fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at juliet, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of murky puppy.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your purple wart covered clavicle. "Here, juliet! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling messily, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing clavicles and waiting to succumb to the purple warts.