You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were weepy and sorry, like two big calanders. Your immediate instinct was to bounce, but instead you decided to call your friend Kat: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Wednesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of slivovice in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of beer to spike up your morning. That Wednesday needed a punch.
You moved into the pantry, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -7 Degrees F with a
7% chance of a earthquake.
HEADLINE: Japan, Czech Republic, and
Canada have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: tangerine warts located on victim's ankle. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 9 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? tangerine warts on your ankle?! Yes!
Just then, Kat knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Kat, I have tangerine warts on my ankle. That means I only have 9 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Kat. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Hyde Park. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Hyde Park. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, drunk demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your tangerine warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected ankle backwards.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of gorillas, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Kat's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed wetly, after they had left. "I have the extra 1 dollars that I keep in my scarf! We can go to the Hyde Park with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 5 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and sleepily as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the curly confusion, you were certain you infected at least 3 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the sweet crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Kat noticed that you were right in front of the Hyde Park. Just then, the temperature dropped to -7 Degrees F, and the earthquake broke loose. Plus, the Hyde Park was surrounded by 52 hundred firefighters trying to put out a angry fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Kat, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of prickly boots.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your tangerine wart covered ankle. "Here, Kat! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling darkly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing ankles and waiting to succumb to the tangerine warts.