You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were very and thorourghly, like two big duck. Your immediate instinct was to going, but instead you decided to call your friend Amy: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Tuesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of Grey Goose in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of Gimlet to spike up your morning. That Tuesday needed a punch.
You moved into the bathroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -8 Degrees F with a
2541% chance of a Huricane.
HEADLINE: USA, Spain, and
Canada have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: blue warts located on victim's armpit. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 2 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? blue warts on your armpit?! Yes!
Just then, Amy knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Amy, I have blue warts on my armpit. That means I only have 2 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Amy. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Underground Wonderbar. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Underground Wonderbar. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, forelorn demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your blue warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected armpit morose.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of geese, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Amy's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed damn, after they had left. "I have the extra 1264 dollars that I keep in my Shirt! We can go to the Underground Wonderbar with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 8 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and troubling as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the super confusion, you were certain you infected at least 6 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the final crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Amy noticed that you were right in front of the Underground Wonderbar. Just then, the temperature dropped to -8 Degrees F, and the Huricane broke loose. Plus, the Underground Wonderbar was surrounded by 2546 hundred firefighters trying to put out a roughly fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Amy, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of secretly goose.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your blue wart covered armpit. "Here, Amy! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling darn, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing armpits and waiting to succumb to the blue warts.