You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were very and catty, like two big heaters. Your immediate instinct was to hopscotch, but instead you decided to call your friend Holly: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Thursday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of rum in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of beer to spike up your morning. That Thursday needed a punch.
You moved into the kitchen, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -87 Degrees F with a
twelve% chance of a earth quake.
HEADLINE: iceland, poland, and
germany have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: yellow warts located on victim's elbow. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 3 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? yellow warts on your elbow?! Yes!
Just then, Holly knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Holly, I have yellow warts on my elbow. That means I only have 3 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Holly. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the down town. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the down town. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, slowly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your yellow warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected elbow dispicably.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of bees, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Holly's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed grossly, after they had left. "I have the extra ninety two dollars that I keep in my smock! We can go to the down town with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than seven minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and sneakily as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the glacial confusion, you were certain you infected at least ten dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the fuzzy crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Holly noticed that you were right in front of the down town. Just then, the temperature dropped to -87 Degrees F, and the earth quake broke loose. Plus, the down town was surrounded by eighteen hundred firefighters trying to put out a beautiful fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Holly, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of dirty sweaters.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your yellow wart covered elbow. "Here, Holly! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling happily, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing elbows and waiting to succumb to the yellow warts.