You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were verdant and downy, like two big clouds. Your immediate instinct was to swagger, but instead you decided to call your friend Stacy: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Saturday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of Zima in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of Lemon Drop to spike up your morning. That Saturday needed a punch.
You moved into the bedroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -4 Degrees F with a
21% chance of a tsunami.
HEADLINE: Belize, Belgium, and
Bora Bora have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: flaxen warts located on victim's thumb. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 3 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? flaxen warts on your thumb?! Yes!
Just then, Stacy knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Stacy, I have flaxen warts on my thumb. That means I only have 3 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Stacy. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the East Side. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the East Side. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, bitterly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your flaxen warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected thumb fortunately.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of cats, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Stacy's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed obstinately, after they had left. "I have the extra 26 dollars that I keep in my cufflink! We can go to the East Side with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 33 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and scantily as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the tense confusion, you were certain you infected at least 6 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the smulky crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Stacy noticed that you were right in front of the East Side. Just then, the temperature dropped to -4 Degrees F, and the tsunami broke loose. Plus, the East Side was surrounded by 11 hundred firefighters trying to put out a frenzied fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Stacy, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of restless shoes.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your flaxen wart covered thumb. "Here, Stacy! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling compulsively, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing thumbs and waiting to succumb to the flaxen warts.