You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were verbal and assertive, like two big tires. Your immediate instinct was to catch, but instead you decided to call your friend Megan: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Thursday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of Cosmo in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of Blow Job to spike up your morning. That Thursday needed a punch.
You moved into the lounge, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -97 Degrees F with a
5% chance of a volcano eruption.
HEADLINE: Stankonia, Canada, and
Venezeula have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: grey warts located on victim's thigh. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 8 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? grey warts on your thigh?! Yes!
Just then, Megan knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Megan, I have grey warts on my thigh. That means I only have 8 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Megan. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Montrose Harbor. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Montrose Harbor. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, sincerely demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your grey warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected thigh depressively.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of dingos, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Megan's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed lovely, after they had left. "I have the extra 16 dollars that I keep in my scarf! We can go to the Montrose Harbor with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 7 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and winningly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the sharp confusion, you were certain you infected at least 2 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the pointed crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Megan noticed that you were right in front of the Montrose Harbor. Just then, the temperature dropped to -97 Degrees F, and the volcano eruption broke loose. Plus, the Montrose Harbor was surrounded by 3 hundred firefighters trying to put out a fascinating fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Megan, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of assey feet.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your grey wart covered thigh. "Here, Megan! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling candidly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing thighs and waiting to succumb to the grey warts.