You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were understated and vile, like two big telephones. Your immediate instinct was to stomping, but instead you decided to call your friend Lindsey: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Tuesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of wine in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of wine coolers to spike up your morning. That Tuesday needed a punch.
You moved into the cellar, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -5 Degrees F with a
2% chance of a flood.
HEADLINE: Cuba, Italy, and
Sweeden have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: magenta warts located on victim's hypothalimus gland. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 4 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? magenta warts on your hypothalimus gland?! Yes!
Just then, Lindsey knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Lindsey, I have magenta warts on my hypothalimus gland. That means I only have 4 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Lindsey. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the corner of State and Elm. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the corner of State and Elm. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, happily demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your magenta warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected hypothalimus gland slyly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of moose, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Lindsey's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed restlessly, after they had left. "I have the extra .5 dollars that I keep in my knee socks! We can go to the corner of State and Elm with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 84 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and angrily as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the green confusion, you were certain you infected at least 18 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the estatic crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Lindsey noticed that you were right in front of the corner of State and Elm. Just then, the temperature dropped to -5 Degrees F, and the flood broke loose. Plus, the corner of State and Elm was surrounded by 6 hundred firefighters trying to put out a sexy fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Lindsey, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of abhorrent coffees.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your magenta wart covered hypothalimus gland. "Here, Lindsey! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling sadly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing hypothalimus glands and waiting to succumb to the magenta warts.