You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were unbroken and adquate, like two big nuns. Your immediate instinct was to zonk out, but instead you decided to call your friend janelle: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a tuesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of old fashion in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of zima to spike up your morning. That tuesday needed a punch.
You moved into the 2S, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: 7 Degrees F with a
8% chance of a hurricane.
HEADLINE: bolivia, france, and
lithuania have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: periwinkle warts located on victim's belly button. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 2 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? periwinkle warts on your belly button?! Yes!
Just then, janelle knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, janelle, I have periwinkle warts on my belly button. That means I only have 2 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied janelle. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the kmart's food court. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the kmart's food court. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, aggressively demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your periwinkle warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected belly button here.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of slothes, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and janelle's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed usually, after they had left. "I have the extra 8 dollars that I keep in my sock! We can go to the kmart's food court with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 5 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and expeditiously as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the truck-shaped confusion, you were certain you infected at least 66 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the good crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and janelle noticed that you were right in front of the kmart's food court. Just then, the temperature dropped to 7 Degrees F, and the hurricane broke loose. Plus, the kmart's food court was surrounded by 2 hundred firefighters trying to put out a hopeless fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at janelle, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of dank plates.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your periwinkle wart covered belly button. "Here, janelle! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling for fun, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing belly buttons and waiting to succumb to the periwinkle warts.