You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were ugly and stupid, like two big tees. Your immediate instinct was to spit, but instead you decided to call your friend terri: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a thursday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of corona in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of jagermiester to spike up your morning. That thursday needed a punch.
You moved into the can, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -4 Degrees F with a
8% chance of a flood.
HEADLINE: Ireland, Sweden, and
Uganda have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: blue warts located on victim's elbow. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 7 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? blue warts on your elbow?! Yes!
Just then, terri knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, terri, I have blue warts on my elbow. That means I only have 7 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied terri. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Stevenson expressway. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Stevenson expressway. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, angrily demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your blue warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected elbow blissfully.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of dogs, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and terri's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed lightly, after they had left. "I have the extra 90 dollars that I keep in my sweater! We can go to the Stevenson expressway with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 14 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and hastily as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the shrewd confusion, you were certain you infected at least 27 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the fat crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and terri noticed that you were right in front of the Stevenson expressway. Just then, the temperature dropped to -4 Degrees F, and the flood broke loose. Plus, the Stevenson expressway was surrounded by 43 hundred firefighters trying to put out a stinky fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at terri, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of farty peas.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your blue wart covered elbow. "Here, terri! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling sparingly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing elbows and waiting to succumb to the blue warts.