You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were ugly and stupid, like two big bees. Your immediate instinct was to lick, but instead you decided to call your friend Meg: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a wednesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of dark and stormy in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of PBR to spike up your morning. That wednesday needed a punch.
You moved into the kitchen, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -9 Degrees F with a
87% chance of a tsunami.
HEADLINE: ghana, bhutan, and
Lithuania have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: cobalt warts located on victim's ankle. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 7 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? cobalt warts on your ankle?! Yes!
Just then, Meg knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Meg, I have cobalt warts on my ankle. That means I only have 7 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Meg. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Loyola Park. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Loyola Park. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, drunkenly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your cobalt warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected ankle briskly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of dogs, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Meg's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed painfully, after they had left. "I have the extra 34 dollars that I keep in my bra! We can go to the Loyola Park with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 3 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and superbly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the fly confusion, you were certain you infected at least 5 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the shy crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Meg noticed that you were right in front of the Loyola Park. Just then, the temperature dropped to -9 Degrees F, and the tsunami broke loose. Plus, the Loyola Park was surrounded by 22 hundred firefighters trying to put out a slimy fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Meg, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of wet cigarettes.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your cobalt wart covered ankle. "Here, Meg! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling winningly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing ankles and waiting to succumb to the cobalt warts.