You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were ugly and snozberry, like two big fingers. Your immediate instinct was to smack, but instead you decided to call your friend paul: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a wednesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of slivavitza in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of mead to spike up your morning. That wednesday needed a punch.
You moved into the foyer, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -185724 Degrees F with a
1% chance of a aunt ester's lemon pie.
HEADLINE: scotland, libya, and
taiwan have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: taupe warts located on victim's torso. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 5 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? taupe warts on your torso?! Yes!
Just then, paul knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, paul, I have taupe warts on my torso. That means I only have 5 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied paul. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the humbolt park. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the humbolt park. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, notoriously demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your taupe warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected torso slowly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of tigers, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and paul's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed loosely, after they had left. "I have the extra 895174852 dollars that I keep in my sock! We can go to the humbolt park with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 8 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and salaciously as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the neat confusion, you were certain you infected at least 10 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the leary crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and paul noticed that you were right in front of the humbolt park. Just then, the temperature dropped to -185724 Degrees F, and the aunt ester's lemon pie broke loose. Plus, the humbolt park was surrounded by 4 hundred firefighters trying to put out a fake fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at paul, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of bright naughties.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your taupe wart covered torso. "Here, paul! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling tightly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing torsos and waiting to succumb to the taupe warts.