You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were ugly and fury, like two big elephants. Your immediate instinct was to jog, but instead you decided to call your friend lauren: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a wednesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of hennessey in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of vodka to spike up your morning. That wednesday needed a punch.
You moved into the laundry room, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -7 Degrees F with a
2% chance of a hurricane.
HEADLINE: bolivia, new zealand, and
scotland have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: purple warts located on victim's chin. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 3 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? purple warts on your chin?! Yes!
Just then, lauren knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, lauren, I have purple warts on my chin. That means I only have 3 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied lauren. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the wrigley field. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the wrigley field. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, hastily demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your purple warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected chin rapidly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of foxes, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and lauren's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed slowly, after they had left. "I have the extra 4 dollars that I keep in my pants! We can go to the wrigley field with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 4 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and quickly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the oblong confusion, you were certain you infected at least 6 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the curvacious crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and lauren noticed that you were right in front of the wrigley field. Just then, the temperature dropped to -7 Degrees F, and the hurricane broke loose. Plus, the wrigley field was surrounded by 8 hundred firefighters trying to put out a hard fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at lauren, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of moppy cows.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your purple wart covered chin. "Here, lauren! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling steadily, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing chins and waiting to succumb to the purple warts.