You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were ugly and cold, like two big cows. Your immediate instinct was to running, but instead you decided to call your friend Gina: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Wednesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of Gin in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of Vodka to spike up your morning. That Wednesday needed a punch.
You moved into the kitchen, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: 3 Degrees F with a
2% chance of a volcano.
HEADLINE: Botswanna, Nepal, and
Sweeden have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: pink warts located on victim's penis. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 3 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? pink warts on your penis?! Yes!
Just then, Gina knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Gina, I have pink warts on my penis. That means I only have 3 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Gina. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Stock Yards. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Stock Yards. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, very demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your pink warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected penis some.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of cats, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Gina's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed very, after they had left. "I have the extra 4 dollars that I keep in my bra! We can go to the Stock Yards with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 8 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and very as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the sweaty confusion, you were certain you infected at least 6 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the sticky crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Gina noticed that you were right in front of the Stock Yards. Just then, the temperature dropped to 3 Degrees F, and the volcano broke loose. Plus, the Stock Yards was surrounded by 2 hundred firefighters trying to put out a sexy fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Gina, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of smelly moons.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your pink wart covered penis. "Here, Gina! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling very, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing peniss and waiting to succumb to the pink warts.