You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were ugly and sad, like two big bikes. Your immediate instinct was to ate, but instead you decided to call your friend hector: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a tuesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of merlot in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of corona to spike up your morning. That tuesday needed a punch.
You moved into the bathroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -5 Degrees F with a
56% chance of a tornado.
HEADLINE: spain, iraq, and
yugoslavia have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: off green warts located on victim's wrist. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 7 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? off green warts on your wrist?! Yes!
Just then, hector knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, hector, I have off green warts on my wrist. That means I only have 7 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied hector. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the the river. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the the river. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, slowly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your off green warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected wrist fast.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of skunks, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and hector's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed hard, after they had left. "I have the extra 9 dollars that I keep in my scarf! We can go to the the river with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 74 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and wobbilily as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the warm confusion, you were certain you infected at least 23 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the clammy crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and hector noticed that you were right in front of the the river. Just then, the temperature dropped to -5 Degrees F, and the tornado broke loose. Plus, the the river was surrounded by 800 hundred firefighters trying to put out a dashing fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at hector, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of putrid geese.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your off green wart covered wrist. "Here, hector! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling languidly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing wrists and waiting to succumb to the off green warts.