You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were turgid and gleaming, like two big pipes. Your immediate instinct was to suckle, but instead you decided to call your friend Justin: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Monday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of gin in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of beer to spike up your morning. That Monday needed a punch.
You moved into the broom closet, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -54 Degrees F with a
42% chance of a tsunami.
HEADLINE: Brazil, Germany, and
Belgium have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: violet warts located on victim's taint. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 6 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? violet warts on your taint?! Yes!
Just then, Justin knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Justin, I have violet warts on my taint. That means I only have 6 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Justin. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the the hancock center. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the the hancock center. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, haltingly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your violet warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected taint deftly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of marmots, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Justin's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed enthusiastically, after they had left. "I have the extra 9 dollars that I keep in my knickers! We can go to the the hancock center with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 384 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and roughly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the pneumatic confusion, you were certain you infected at least 11 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the sticky crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Justin noticed that you were right in front of the the hancock center. Just then, the temperature dropped to -54 Degrees F, and the tsunami broke loose. Plus, the the hancock center was surrounded by 73 hundred firefighters trying to put out a stacatto fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Justin, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of rippling jugs.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your violet wart covered taint. "Here, Justin! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling forcefully, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing taints and waiting to succumb to the violet warts.