You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were sweet and sodden, like two big moneychangers. Your immediate instinct was to punt, but instead you decided to call your friend Bobby: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Saturday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of Shmirnoff in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of Mike's Hard Lemonade to spike up your morning. That Saturday needed a punch.
You moved into the 205, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -547 Degrees F with a
4838% chance of a volcano.
HEADLINE: pakistan, bolivia, and
canada have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: taupe warts located on victim's femur. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 4 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? taupe warts on your femur?! Yes!
Just then, Bobby knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Bobby, I have taupe warts on my femur. That means I only have 4 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Bobby. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Hyde Park. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Hyde Park. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, lackadaisically demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your taupe warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected femur euphemistically.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of meese, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Bobby's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed surely, after they had left. "I have the extra 5 dollars that I keep in my pantyhose! We can go to the Hyde Park with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 66 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and fantastically as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the squirmy confusion, you were certain you infected at least 87 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the ridiculous crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Bobby noticed that you were right in front of the Hyde Park. Just then, the temperature dropped to -547 Degrees F, and the volcano broke loose. Plus, the Hyde Park was surrounded by 7 hundred firefighters trying to put out a stinky fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Bobby, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of half-witted plugs.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your taupe wart covered femur. "Here, Bobby! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling pathetically, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing femurs and waiting to succumb to the taupe warts.