You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were swanky and ridiculous, like two big markers. Your immediate instinct was to charge, but instead you decided to call your friend amanda: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a wednesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of tequila sunrise in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of whiskey shot to spike up your morning. That wednesday needed a punch.
You moved into the 716B, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -398 Degrees F with a
87% chance of a tornado.
HEADLINE: pakistan, turkmenistan, and
mexico have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: maroon warts located on victim's hip. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 7 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? maroon warts on your hip?! Yes!
Just then, amanda knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, amanda, I have maroon warts on my hip. That means I only have 7 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied amanda. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the water tower. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the water tower. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, slowly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your maroon warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected hip quietly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of dogs, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and amanda's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed coyly, after they had left. "I have the extra 3838383 dollars that I keep in my scarf! We can go to the water tower with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 22 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and slyly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the toxic confusion, you were certain you infected at least 5 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the shitty crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and amanda noticed that you were right in front of the water tower. Just then, the temperature dropped to -398 Degrees F, and the tornado broke loose. Plus, the water tower was surrounded by 5 gazillion hundred firefighters trying to put out a smart fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at amanda, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of forcefully reese's pieces.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your maroon wart covered hip. "Here, amanda! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling angrily, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing hips and waiting to succumb to the maroon warts.