You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were super and lovely, like two big hands. Your immediate instinct was to bike, but instead you decided to call your friend ron: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a wednesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of beer in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of whiskey to spike up your morning. That wednesday needed a punch.
You moved into the kitchen, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -9 Degrees F with a
1982% chance of a earthquake.
HEADLINE: usa, france, and
england have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: blue warts located on victim's thigh. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 3 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? blue warts on your thigh?! Yes!
Just then, ron knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, ron, I have blue warts on my thigh. That means I only have 3 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied ron. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the my condo. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the my condo. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, typing demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your blue warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected thigh cooking.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of doggies, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and ron's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed kicking, after they had left. "I have the extra 5 dollars that I keep in my hat! We can go to the my condo with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 4 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and flying as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the hot confusion, you were certain you infected at least 2 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the dumb crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and ron noticed that you were right in front of the my condo. Just then, the temperature dropped to -9 Degrees F, and the earthquake broke loose. Plus, the my condo was surrounded by 6 hundred firefighters trying to put out a big fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at ron, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of tiny balls.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your blue wart covered thigh. "Here, ron! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling jumping, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing thighs and waiting to succumb to the blue warts.