You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were sullen and desperate, like two big guns. Your immediate instinct was to crash, but instead you decided to call your friend Scott: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a sunday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of red in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of white to spike up your morning. That sunday needed a punch.
You moved into the bathroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -33 Degrees F with a
13% chance of a electrical storm.
HEADLINE: greenland, ethiopia, and
czcheslovakia have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: black warts located on victim's nipple. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 3 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? black warts on your nipple?! Yes!
Just then, Scott knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Scott, I have black warts on my nipple. That means I only have 3 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Scott. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Marshal's room. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Marshal's room. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, stupidly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your black warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected nipple retardedly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of cats, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Scott's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed abnormally, after they had left. "I have the extra 13 dollars that I keep in my scarf! We can go to the Marshal's room with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 13 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and haphazardly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the gloomy confusion, you were certain you infected at least 13 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the gray crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Scott noticed that you were right in front of the Marshal's room. Just then, the temperature dropped to -33 Degrees F, and the electrical storm broke loose. Plus, the Marshal's room was surrounded by 13 hundred firefighters trying to put out a cackhanded fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Scott, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of smelly persons.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your black wart covered nipple. "Here, Scott! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling lamely, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing nipples and waiting to succumb to the black warts.