You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were stupid and bald, like two big me. Your immediate instinct was to run, but instead you decided to call your friend matt: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a wednesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of black russian in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of vodka tonic to spike up your morning. That wednesday needed a punch.
You moved into the 1, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -3 Degrees F with a
34% chance of a hurricane.
HEADLINE: italy, mexico, and
france have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: blue warts located on victim's leg. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 7 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? blue warts on your leg?! Yes!
Just then, matt knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, matt, I have blue warts on my leg. That means I only have 7 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied matt. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the village thrift. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the village thrift. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, gladly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your blue warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected leg lightly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of ants, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and matt's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed heavily, after they had left. "I have the extra 87 dollars that I keep in my belt! We can go to the village thrift with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 45 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and madly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the silly confusion, you were certain you infected at least 75 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the positive crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and matt noticed that you were right in front of the village thrift. Just then, the temperature dropped to -3 Degrees F, and the hurricane broke loose. Plus, the village thrift was surrounded by 65 hundred firefighters trying to put out a lame fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at matt, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of pretty you.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your blue wart covered leg. "Here, matt! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling stupidly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing legs and waiting to succumb to the blue warts.