You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were stringy and round, like two big fire-hydrants. Your immediate instinct was to swim, but instead you decided to call your friend Clair: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Thursday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of martini in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of spiked punch to spike up your morning. That Thursday needed a punch.
You moved into the broom closet, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -8 Degrees F with a
90% chance of a tsnami.
HEADLINE: Indonesia, America, and
Spain have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: orange warts located on victim's tail-bone. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 9 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? orange warts on your tail-bone?! Yes!
Just then, Clair knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Clair, I have orange warts on my tail-bone. That means I only have 9 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Clair. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Swiss Hotel. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Swiss Hotel. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, very demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your orange warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected tail-bone very.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of ostriches, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Clair's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed very, after they had left. "I have the extra 4 dollars that I keep in my sock! We can go to the Swiss Hotel with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 25 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and very as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the cute confusion, you were certain you infected at least 1 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the gargantuan crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Clair noticed that you were right in front of the Swiss Hotel. Just then, the temperature dropped to -8 Degrees F, and the tsnami broke loose. Plus, the Swiss Hotel was surrounded by 7 million hundred firefighters trying to put out a fluffy fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Clair, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of crossed radios.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your orange wart covered tail-bone. "Here, Clair! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling rapidly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing tail-bones and waiting to succumb to the orange warts.