You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were strange and swift, like two big bananas. Your immediate instinct was to chewing, but instead you decided to call your friend willie: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Monday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of merlot in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of martini to spike up your morning. That Monday needed a punch.
You moved into the dining room, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -20 Degrees F with a
99% chance of a titty twister.
HEADLINE: sweden, china, and
panama have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: magenta warts located on victim's buttocks. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 2 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? magenta warts on your buttocks?! Yes!
Just then, willie knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, willie, I have magenta warts on my buttocks. That means I only have 2 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied willie. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Sears Tower. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Sears Tower. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, suddenly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your magenta warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected buttocks quickly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of cows, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and willie's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed falsly, after they had left. "I have the extra 27 dollars that I keep in my fez! We can go to the Sears Tower with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 4 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and extremely as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the awkward confusion, you were certain you infected at least 12 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the slight crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and willie noticed that you were right in front of the Sears Tower. Just then, the temperature dropped to -20 Degrees F, and the titty twister broke loose. Plus, the Sears Tower was surrounded by 100 hundred firefighters trying to put out a again fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at willie, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of almost canopeners.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your magenta wart covered buttocks. "Here, willie! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling manly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing buttockss and waiting to succumb to the magenta warts.