You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were stinky and irritated, like two big candies. Your immediate instinct was to wretch, but instead you decided to call your friend CTay: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Wednesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of grappa in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of goldschlagger to spike up your morning. That Wednesday needed a punch.
You moved into the B, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -800 Degrees F with a
18% chance of a George Bush.
HEADLINE: Japan, Philippines, and
Canada have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: beige warts located on victim's little toe. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 4 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? beige warts on your little toe?! Yes!
Just then, CTay knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, CTay, I have beige warts on my little toe. That means I only have 4 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied CTay. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the my cousin's house. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the my cousin's house. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, inadvertantly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your beige warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected little toe longingly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of rhinos, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and CTay's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed earnestly, after they had left. "I have the extra 44 dollars that I keep in my welding helmet! We can go to the my cousin's house with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 606 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and willingly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the languid confusion, you were certain you infected at least 4 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the candid crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and CTay noticed that you were right in front of the my cousin's house. Just then, the temperature dropped to -800 Degrees F, and the George Bush broke loose. Plus, the my cousin's house was surrounded by 4 hundred firefighters trying to put out a old fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at CTay, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of pensive hipsters.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your beige wart covered little toe. "Here, CTay! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling defiantly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing little toes and waiting to succumb to the beige warts.