You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were stinky and funny, like two big sheep. Your immediate instinct was to run, but instead you decided to call your friend jen: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a tuesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of martini in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of beer to spike up your morning. That tuesday needed a punch.
You moved into the kitchen, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -39 Degrees F with a
23% chance of a typhoon.
HEADLINE: england, france, and
spain have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: blue warts located on victim's ear. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 7 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? blue warts on your ear?! Yes!
Just then, jen knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, jen, I have blue warts on my ear. That means I only have 7 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied jen. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Velvet Lounge. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Velvet Lounge. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, awkwardly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your blue warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected ear irregularly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of birds, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and jen's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed quickly, after they had left. "I have the extra 1 dollars that I keep in my sock! We can go to the Velvet Lounge with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 15 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and wantonly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the fizzy confusion, you were certain you infected at least 3 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the steamy crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and jen noticed that you were right in front of the Velvet Lounge. Just then, the temperature dropped to -39 Degrees F, and the typhoon broke loose. Plus, the Velvet Lounge was surrounded by 32 hundred firefighters trying to put out a soft fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at jen, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of high deer.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your blue wart covered ear. "Here, jen! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling sophisticatedly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing ears and waiting to succumb to the blue warts.