You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were stinky and exquisite, like two big huskies. Your immediate instinct was to jogs, but instead you decided to call your friend roy: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a monday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of jager in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of buttery nipple to spike up your morning. That monday needed a punch.
You moved into the foyer, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -1 Degrees F with a
8% chance of a monsoon.
HEADLINE: russia, denmark, and
naperville have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: brick red warts located on victim's toenail. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 7 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? brick red warts on your toenail?! Yes!
Just then, roy knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, roy, I have brick red warts on my toenail. That means I only have 7 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied roy. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the parkway. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the parkway. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, bashfully demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your brick red warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected toenail ravenously.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of baboons, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and roy's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed scandelously, after they had left. "I have the extra 99 dollars that I keep in my shoe! We can go to the parkway with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 21 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and daintily as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the limey confusion, you were certain you infected at least 32 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the fuzzy crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and roy noticed that you were right in front of the parkway. Just then, the temperature dropped to -1 Degrees F, and the monsoon broke loose. Plus, the parkway was surrounded by 4 hundred firefighters trying to put out a weird fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at roy, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of mercilessly nails.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your brick red wart covered toenail. "Here, roy! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling worthlessly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing toenails and waiting to succumb to the brick red warts.