You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were sticky and fluffy, like two big kitties. Your immediate instinct was to jump, but instead you decided to call your friend Alana: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a wednesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of stella in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of martini to spike up your morning. That wednesday needed a punch.
You moved into the kitchen, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -23 Degrees F with a
45% chance of a tsunami.
HEADLINE: france, america, and
canada have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: turquoise warts located on victim's chin. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 3 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? turquoise warts on your chin?! Yes!
Just then, Alana knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Alana, I have turquoise warts on my chin. That means I only have 3 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Alana. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the mca. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the mca. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, fondly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your turquoise warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected chin lethargicly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of snakes, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Alana's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed slowly, after they had left. "I have the extra 12 dollars that I keep in my fedora! We can go to the mca with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 347 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and quickly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the thick confusion, you were certain you infected at least 6 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the light crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Alana noticed that you were right in front of the mca. Just then, the temperature dropped to -23 Degrees F, and the tsunami broke loose. Plus, the mca was surrounded by 99 hundred firefighters trying to put out a beautiful fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Alana, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of sly chairs.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your turquoise wart covered chin. "Here, Alana! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling sickly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing chins and waiting to succumb to the turquoise warts.