You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were spooky and ghastly, like two big shells. Your immediate instinct was to belch, but instead you decided to call your friend Andy: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Tuesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of scotch in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of guiness to spike up your morning. That Tuesday needed a punch.
You moved into the 5B, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -99 Degrees F with a
666% chance of a typhoon.
HEADLINE: Spain, Moldova, and
Ireland have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: umber warts located on victim's thumb. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 5 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? umber warts on your thumb?! Yes!
Just then, Andy knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Andy, I have umber warts on my thumb. That means I only have 5 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Andy. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Hyde Park. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Hyde Park. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, effervescently demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your umber warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected thumb naughtily.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of kine, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Andy's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed sarcastically, after they had left. "I have the extra 8675309 dollars that I keep in my codpiece! We can go to the Hyde Park with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 3.14 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and lustily as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the felicitous confusion, you were certain you infected at least 69 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the meaningless crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Andy noticed that you were right in front of the Hyde Park. Just then, the temperature dropped to -99 Degrees F, and the typhoon broke loose. Plus, the Hyde Park was surrounded by 88 hundred firefighters trying to put out a unboyfriendable fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Andy, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of lurid envelopes.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your umber wart covered thumb. "Here, Andy! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling freakishly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing thumbs and waiting to succumb to the umber warts.