You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were sour and gangly, like two big trees. Your immediate instinct was to run, but instead you decided to call your friend rob: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a thursday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of whiskey in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of vodka to spike up your morning. That thursday needed a punch.
You moved into the bathroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -16 Degrees F with a
4% chance of a tornado.
HEADLINE: france, japan, and
mexico have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: red warts located on victim's nipple. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 3 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? red warts on your nipple?! Yes!
Just then, rob knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, rob, I have red warts on my nipple. That means I only have 3 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied rob. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the lower wacker drive. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the lower wacker drive. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, rapidly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your red warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected nipple very.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of javelinas, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and rob's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed so, after they had left. "I have the extra 9 dollars that I keep in my beret! We can go to the lower wacker drive with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 19 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and slowly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the benign confusion, you were certain you infected at least 1 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the malevolent crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and rob noticed that you were right in front of the lower wacker drive. Just then, the temperature dropped to -16 Degrees F, and the tornado broke loose. Plus, the lower wacker drive was surrounded by 150 hundred firefighters trying to put out a sliceable fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at rob, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of lonely cherry blossoms.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your red wart covered nipple. "Here, rob! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling quietly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing nipples and waiting to succumb to the red warts.