You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were sorry and pinkish, like two big cats. Your immediate instinct was to run, but instead you decided to call your friend deborah: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a wednesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of whiskey in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of giun and tonic to spike up your morning. That wednesday needed a punch.
You moved into the bedroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -6 Degrees F with a
8% chance of a earthquake.
HEADLINE: france, england, and
canada have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: off-green warts located on victim's ankle. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 4 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? off-green warts on your ankle?! Yes!
Just then, deborah knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, deborah, I have off-green warts on my ankle. That means I only have 4 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied deborah. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the stella's. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the stella's. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, foully demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your off-green warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected ankle testily.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of llamas, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and deborah's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed faintly, after they had left. "I have the extra 7 dollars that I keep in my wifebeater! We can go to the stella's with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 12 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and sweetly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the peckish confusion, you were certain you infected at least 15 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the vainglorious crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and deborah noticed that you were right in front of the stella's. Just then, the temperature dropped to -6 Degrees F, and the earthquake broke loose. Plus, the stella's was surrounded by 8 hundred firefighters trying to put out a manic fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at deborah, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of itchy desks.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your off-green wart covered ankle. "Here, deborah! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling dourly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing ankles and waiting to succumb to the off-green warts.