You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were soft and gay, like two big scotts. Your immediate instinct was to fly, but instead you decided to call your friend tony: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a wednesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of fosters in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of tiger to spike up your morning. That wednesday needed a punch.
You moved into the dining room, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -5 Degrees F with a
19% chance of a impotency.
HEADLINE: holland, canada, and
germany have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: indigo warts located on victim's head. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 8 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? indigo warts on your head?! Yes!
Just then, tony knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, tony, I have indigo warts on my head. That means I only have 8 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied tony. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Normal. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Normal. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, yelling demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your indigo warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected head booting.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of onions, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and tony's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed retching, after they had left. "I have the extra 8 dollars that I keep in my cock ring! We can go to the Normal with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 4 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and freaking as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the dim confusion, you were certain you infected at least 9 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the quick crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and tony noticed that you were right in front of the Normal. Just then, the temperature dropped to -5 Degrees F, and the impotency broke loose. Plus, the Normal was surrounded by 32 hundred firefighters trying to put out a bimbotic fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at tony, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of strong bitches.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your indigo wart covered head. "Here, tony! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling saying, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing heads and waiting to succumb to the indigo warts.