You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were snotty and glittery, like two big nets. Your immediate instinct was to smash, but instead you decided to call your friend dali: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a sunday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of tequila in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of wine to spike up your morning. That sunday needed a punch.
You moved into the kitchen, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -92 Degrees F with a
7% chance of a volcano.
HEADLINE: lichtenstein, iceland, and
nigeria have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: blue warts located on victim's butt. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 9 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? blue warts on your butt?! Yes!
Just then, dali knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, dali, I have blue warts on my butt. That means I only have 9 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied dali. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the belmont rocks. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the belmont rocks. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, dejectedly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your blue warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected butt spiritedly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of lions, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and dali's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed slowly, after they had left. "I have the extra 3 dollars that I keep in my belt! We can go to the belmont rocks with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 1 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and awkwardly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the redolent confusion, you were certain you infected at least 4 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the compulsory crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and dali noticed that you were right in front of the belmont rocks. Just then, the temperature dropped to -92 Degrees F, and the volcano broke loose. Plus, the belmont rocks was surrounded by 1938 hundred firefighters trying to put out a lonely fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at dali, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of tough seagulls.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your blue wart covered butt. "Here, dali! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling quikly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing butts and waiting to succumb to the blue warts.