You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were smoky and orange, like two big princesses. Your immediate instinct was to dancin', but instead you decided to call your friend Erica: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a friday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of martini in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of dirty martini to spike up your morning. That friday needed a punch.
You moved into the 8, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -7 Degrees F with a
7% chance of a tornado.
HEADLINE: greece, italy, and
spain have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: red warts located on victim's kidney. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 5 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? red warts on your kidney?! Yes!
Just then, Erica knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Erica, I have red warts on my kidney. That means I only have 5 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Erica. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the sultan's market. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the sultan's market. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, anxiously demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your red warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected kidney happily .
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of fish, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Erica's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed slowly, after they had left. "I have the extra 77 dollars that I keep in my thong! We can go to the sultan's market with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 15 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and positively as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the brown confusion, you were certain you infected at least 32 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the tasty crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Erica noticed that you were right in front of the sultan's market. Just then, the temperature dropped to -7 Degrees F, and the tornado broke loose. Plus, the sultan's market was surrounded by 23 hundred firefighters trying to put out a aromatic fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Erica, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of leafy kids.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your red wart covered kidney. "Here, Erica! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling down, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing kidneys and waiting to succumb to the red warts.