You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were smelly and slimy, like two big hands. Your immediate instinct was to run, but instead you decided to call your friend mary: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a friday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of vodka in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of rum to spike up your morning. That friday needed a punch.
You moved into the bedroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -4 Degrees F with a
24% chance of a tornado.
HEADLINE: Scotland, England, and
France have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: pink warts located on victim's breast. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 9 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? pink warts on your breast?! Yes!
Just then, mary knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, mary, I have pink warts on my breast. That means I only have 9 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied mary. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the navy pier. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the navy pier. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, loudly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your pink warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected breast abnormally.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of horses, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and mary's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed quickly, after they had left. "I have the extra 15 dollars that I keep in my shirt! We can go to the navy pier with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 21 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and slowly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the soft confusion, you were certain you infected at least 69 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the tender crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and mary noticed that you were right in front of the navy pier. Just then, the temperature dropped to -4 Degrees F, and the tornado broke loose. Plus, the navy pier was surrounded by 3 hundred firefighters trying to put out a sexy fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at mary, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of hard dolls.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your pink wart covered breast. "Here, mary! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling quietly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing breasts and waiting to succumb to the pink warts.