You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were small and pink, like two big dogs. Your immediate instinct was to play, but instead you decided to call your friend jessica: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a tuesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of cosmopolitian in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of vodka to spike up your morning. That tuesday needed a punch.
You moved into the bathroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -12 Degrees F with a
44444% chance of a flood.
HEADLINE: italy, france, and
afganistan have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: blue warts located on victim's toe. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 6 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? blue warts on your toe?! Yes!
Just then, jessica knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, jessica, I have blue warts on my toe. That means I only have 6 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied jessica. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the navy pier. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the navy pier. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, her demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your blue warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected toe him.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of hippos, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and jessica's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed he, after they had left. "I have the extra 666 dollars that I keep in my socks! We can go to the navy pier with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 14 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and it as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the lumpy confusion, you were certain you infected at least 20 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the sweet crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and jessica noticed that you were right in front of the navy pier. Just then, the temperature dropped to -12 Degrees F, and the flood broke loose. Plus, the navy pier was surrounded by 2 hundred firefighters trying to put out a juicey fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at jessica, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of dorky phones.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your blue wart covered toe. "Here, jessica! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling she, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing toes and waiting to succumb to the blue warts.