You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were slow and boring, like two big cats. Your immediate instinct was to smell, but instead you decided to call your friend matt: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a sunday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of beer in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of screwdriver to spike up your morning. That sunday needed a punch.
You moved into the living room, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -9 Degrees F with a
5% chance of a tornado.
HEADLINE: france, canada, and
poland have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: pink warts located on victim's butt. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 3 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? pink warts on your butt?! Yes!
Just then, matt knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, matt, I have pink warts on my butt. That means I only have 3 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied matt. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the uptown. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the uptown. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, slowly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your pink warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected butt slowly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of boys, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and matt's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed quickly, after they had left. "I have the extra 8 dollars that I keep in my panties! We can go to the uptown with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 8 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and quickly as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the round confusion, you were certain you infected at least 5 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the hard crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and matt noticed that you were right in front of the uptown. Just then, the temperature dropped to -9 Degrees F, and the tornado broke loose. Plus, the uptown was surrounded by 4 hundred firefighters trying to put out a smart fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at matt, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of angry arm.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your pink wart covered butt. "Here, matt! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling slowly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing butts and waiting to succumb to the pink warts.