You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were slimy and nappy, like two big balls. Your immediate instinct was to toss, but instead you decided to call your friend Ryan: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Tuesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of buttery nipple in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of SCOTCH, STRAIGHT UP to spike up your morning. That Tuesday needed a punch.
You moved into the attic, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -93 Degrees F with a
fourteen% chance of a tornado.
HEADLINE: djabouty, canada, and
Hungary have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: green warts located on victim's shin. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 7 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? green warts on your shin?! Yes!
Just then, Ryan knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Ryan, I have green warts on my shin. That means I only have 7 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Ryan. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the shedd. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the shedd. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, slowly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your green warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected shin hesitantly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of gaggle of geese, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Ryan's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed slowly, after they had left. "I have the extra ninety dollars that I keep in my mitten! We can go to the shedd with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 75 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and nonsensically as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the bloated confusion, you were certain you infected at least 32 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the hard crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Ryan noticed that you were right in front of the shedd. Just then, the temperature dropped to -93 Degrees F, and the tornado broke loose. Plus, the shedd was surrounded by 101 hundred firefighters trying to put out a groggily fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Ryan, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of chalky tommy guns.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your green wart covered shin. "Here, Ryan! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling slyly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing shins and waiting to succumb to the green warts.