You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were slappy and orange, like two big haggises. Your immediate instinct was to hover, but instead you decided to call your friend Kate: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a tuesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of daquri in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of highdriver to spike up your morning. That tuesday needed a punch.
You moved into the bedroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -275 Degrees F with a
1% chance of a tsunami.
HEADLINE: Peru, Argentina, and
Greenland have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: puce warts located on victim's clitoris. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 8 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? puce warts on your clitoris?! Yes!
Just then, Kate knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Kate, I have puce warts on my clitoris. That means I only have 8 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Kate. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Bucktown. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Bucktown. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, smartly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your puce warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected clitoris stupidly.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of sheep, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Kate's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed tiredly, after they had left. "I have the extra 9 dollars that I keep in my spants! We can go to the Bucktown with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 572 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and happily as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the horrible confusion, you were certain you infected at least 47 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the hellish crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Kate noticed that you were right in front of the Bucktown. Just then, the temperature dropped to -275 Degrees F, and the tsunami broke loose. Plus, the Bucktown was surrounded by 4 hundred firefighters trying to put out a gushy fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Kate, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of glowing hamburgers.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your puce wart covered clitoris. "Here, Kate! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling boringly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing clitoriss and waiting to succumb to the puce warts.