You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were skanky and red, like two big cats. Your immediate instinct was to walk, but instead you decided to call your friend Jen: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a tuesday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of bud light in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of kahlua to spike up your morning. That tuesday needed a punch.
You moved into the bathroom, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -790 Degrees F with a
82% chance of a tornado.
HEADLINE: ireland, canada, and
norway have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: pink warts located on victim's boob. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 9 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? pink warts on your boob?! Yes!
Just then, Jen knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Jen, I have pink warts on my boob. That means I only have 9 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Jen. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the boys town. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the boys town. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, early demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your pink warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected boob before dawn.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of lizards, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Jen's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed horrifically, after they had left. "I have the extra 2837983 dollars that I keep in my bandana! We can go to the boys town with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 7 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and often as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the stinky confusion, you were certain you infected at least 8 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the tall crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Jen noticed that you were right in front of the boys town. Just then, the temperature dropped to -790 Degrees F, and the tornado broke loose. Plus, the boys town was surrounded by 50 hundred firefighters trying to put out a fat fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Jen, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of brown lamps.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your pink wart covered boob. "Here, Jen! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling nonchalantly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing boobs and waiting to succumb to the pink warts.