You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were skanky and dirty, like two big girls. Your immediate instinct was to bludgeoned, but instead you decided to call your friend Patsy: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a thursday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of mad dog 20/20 in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of couvesier to spike up your morning. That thursday needed a punch.
You moved into the parlor, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -47 Degrees F with a
37% chance of a tsunami.
HEADLINE: greece, columbia, and
france have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: purple warts located on victim's armpit. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 2 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? purple warts on your armpit?! Yes!
Just then, Patsy knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Patsy, I have purple warts on my armpit. That means I only have 2 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Patsy. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the west side. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the west side. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, vexxingly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your purple warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected armpit exquisitely.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of kitties, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Patsy's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed dastardly, after they had left. "I have the extra 69 dollars that I keep in my knickers! We can go to the west side with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 8 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and lazily as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the sweaty confusion, you were certain you infected at least 32 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the bright crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Patsy noticed that you were right in front of the west side. Just then, the temperature dropped to -47 Degrees F, and the tsunami broke loose. Plus, the west side was surrounded by 11127 hundred firefighters trying to put out a swollen fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Patsy, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of precious bastards.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your purple wart covered armpit. "Here, Patsy! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling maturily, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing armpits and waiting to succumb to the purple warts.