You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were silly and stinky, like two big goose. Your immediate instinct was to ran, but instead you decided to call your friend Tom: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a saturday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of margarita in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of vodka to spike up your morning. That saturday needed a punch.
You moved into the 206, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -23 Degrees F with a
15% chance of a earthquake.
HEADLINE: france, spain, and
japan have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: pink warts located on victim's finger. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 7 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? pink warts on your finger?! Yes!
Just then, Tom knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Tom, I have pink warts on my finger. That means I only have 7 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Tom. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the joes . I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the joes . But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, quickly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your pink warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected finger finally.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of cat, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Tom's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed boldly, after they had left. "I have the extra 36 dollars that I keep in my socks! We can go to the joes with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 23 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and patiently as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the hideous confusion, you were certain you infected at least 55 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the irritating crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Tom noticed that you were right in front of the joes . Just then, the temperature dropped to -23 Degrees F, and the earthquake broke loose. Plus, the joes was surrounded by 16 hundred firefighters trying to put out a dark fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Tom, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of dank bus inspector.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your pink wart covered finger. "Here, Tom! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling Unfortunately, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing fingers and waiting to succumb to the pink warts.